When loss turns your world upside down, leadership comes home. My experience settling my mother’s estate revealed lessons I never learned in any boardroom—lessons about logistics, family, and letting go.
The Trust Work
When my mom passed away on April 9, I thought there might be a moment—a brief pause—where I could finally breathe. That pause never came.
Instead, we quickly moved into handling her home and trust responsibilities. Most of the heavy lifting with her house happened before the funeral.
As successor trustee, my role was to protect the trust’s assets, pay final bills, and close out accounts. My brother Jay and I paid the trust attorneys $2,500 as an “insurance policy”—a safeguard for expert help if complications arose.
They sent a letter to creditors, starting a 90-day period to settle claims. Most tasks were tedious but straightforward: closing credit cards, canceling utilities, and requesting retirement fund distributions. Because my sisters and I had helped mom with her finances over the years, nothing came completely out of the blue.
The $30,000 Surprise
What started as a simple repair quickly spiraled into a major issue. We discovered a slow leak behind the walls, quietly fostering a serious mold problem. Suddenly, we faced remediation costs around $30,000, with the full extent of damage still unknown.
Guilt crept in. How had we missed this? But clarity followed. Handling the mold ourselves would mean taking on large financial risk, enduring delays, and adding stress. Selling the house “as is” became the best option. An investor stepped in quickly, and looking back, that swift sale was a relief.
Dividing the Work and Belongings
Three of us—my brother John, who lived with mom; my sister Susan; and I—handled most of the housework. Susan, a master of execution, helped John pack his belongings.
- To keep things fair, we made simple rules for dividing possessions:
- I’d text pictures of items to all siblings; the first to claim it got it.
- For jewelry, the daughters each picked one key piece—more for sentiment than value.
- If you helped mom buy something, you had first choice.
- John had first pick of the furniture, as he’d been living there.
- The rest went to a garage sale, Facebook Marketplace, OfferUp, and to John’s friends.
By May 16—just a week after mom’s May 9 funeral—we had signed the papers to sell the house.
Relief Meets New Stress
After mom’s death, I expected the mental weight of caring for her—especially answering “What happened to me?” every few minutes for six days—to lift finally. In some ways, it did. But almost immediately, I traded one overwhelming stressor for another.
It’s strange to grieve deeply while rushing to meet deadlines, negotiate sales, and sort through a lifetime of possessions. The emotional burden of caregiving was replaced by the logistical burden of closing a chapter of someone’s life.
Leadership Lessons From the Aftermath
This phase differed from the hospital days, yet the leadership parallels were striking:
- Uneven participation is normal. Some carry more, others less.
- Clear communication prevents conflict. Our item-claiming process kept things peaceful.
- Play to strengths. My sisters took on the funeral planning, allowing me to focus on trust and the house.
- Decisiveness matters. Selling the house “as is” wasn’t easy but delaying would have increased stress and risk.
What’s different from work is the emotional stake. Family disagreements sting more than workplace conflicts. And there’s no “off the clock” when you’re both family and leader.
Letting Go
Letting go wasn’t just about the house or its contents. It was about releasing the hope that leadership in this season would be polished or perfect. It was messy, exhausting, and deeply real.
Leadership isn’t just for boardrooms and business plans. Sometimes it’s for kitchens full of moving boxes, legal paperwork, and tough conversations nobody wants to have. Showing up in those moments—imperfect but committed—matters more than anything else.
Key Takeaways
- Uneven participation is expected; focus on the collective goal.
- Transparent communication and simple rules reduce conflict.
- Build on each person’s strengths when dividing responsibilities.
- Make timely, decisive choices to reduce stress.
- Emotional challenges are part of family leadership and require patience.
Final Reflection / Call to Action
Have you managed a family transition or loss? What unexpected leadership lessons did you discover? I invite you to share your experiences or reflections—whether in the comments below or in your own network.
